Archive for the ‘Pokemon’ Category

Due to popular demand…  my parody of Eminem’s Lose Yourself about Ash Ketchum trying to catch a Mewtwo…

(the instrumental track can be found below to listen to as you read)

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To catch the Pokemon you always wanted
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, Pokeball ready
He’s used sleep moves already, Sleep Powder confetti
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To throw balls, but Mewtwo keeps on resisting
With the Take Down, Tauros tears up the ground
Mewtwo opens his mouth, but snores just come out
He’s sleeping now, time’s gonna be leaping now
The clock’s run out, sleep’s up Mewtwo pow!
Psychic blast to reality, oh, there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Tauros he’s toast, Ash is so mad but he won’t
Give up that easy, no, here goes Blastoise he knows
His whole back’s to these ropes, it don’t matter he don’t
He knows that but no hope, Hydro Pump’s useless he knows
When he goes back to his Pallet town home, that it’s
Back to Oak’s lab again, yo
It’s all rhapsody, he better go capture this Mewtwo
And hope it don’t pass him
You gotta prove yourself with the Mewtwo
In the moment, you own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, to let that Master Ball go
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You gotta prove yourself with the Mewtwo
In the moment, you own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, to let that Master Ball go
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

Mewtwo’s close to escaping, through this hole that is gaping
Ash’s party’s there for the taking, it’s fucking weak
As he moves towards a new world order, his Blastoise moves are boring
But Mewtwo’s close to post mortem
But it only gets harder, only grows hotter
Charizard blows it’s all over, the show is all on him
Johto to Kanto, he’s known as the Globetrotter
On these lonely roads God only knows he’s grown Lapras alone, it’s no bother
He goes home and barely knows his own Corphish
But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
Blastoise Pumpin’ some more, it’s cold product
So he moves on to the next schmoe who’s stowed
Down below and moves onwards, and so it unfolds
I suppose it’s old partner, but the battle goes on
Da da dum, da dum
Chorus x2

No more games, Mewtwo’s gonna change what you call rage
He’ll tear your motherfucking roof off, cause he won’t be caged
He was playin’ in the beginning, but the mood all changed
Recover boot up, Thunder shoot up, Blastoise get off stage
He keeps fighting, steppin, choking Ash ever tighter
Charizard’s fucking going home in a diaper
All Mewtwo’s pain inside amplified by the fact
That he can’t get by from 9 to 5
Without fighting some loser shit trainer, kind of a pansy
Cause man, these god damn food stamps they aren’t badges
And it’s no movie, there’s no fucking survivors, this is no life
And these times are so hard, and they’re getting even harder
When Ash sends out Pikachu, he’s cannon-fodder
Caught up between being a loner and a prima donna
Pikachu’s screamin’ on and it’s too much for him to wanna
Stay in one spot, this battle’s monotony’s
Gotten him to the point it’s like a jail
He’s got to formulate a plot or Ash will get him caught
Success is his only motherfucking option, capture’s not
Heracross is coming so Mewtwo’s gotta go
Megahorn will kill him in one fucking shot, so here he goes with his shot
“Teleport fail me not,” this may be the only opportunity that he’s got
Chorus x2

Always having your balls in your hands is the first sign of douchebaggery.

So…Ash is a douche.

That was my f*cking Pikachu.

I got there first and that stupid, red-hat wearing twerp took it right out from under my nose.

Here’s what happened:

After my brutal mauling at the hands of a rabid Pidgey, I went to Professor Oak’s lab to see if he could help me on my quest to find the best pokemon.  He said, “There’s no such thing as the best pokemon, my son.  All pokemon have their strengths and their weaknesses and all of them are deserving of our love.”

First off, I’m not Professor Oak’s son.  Was that some kind of subtle hint that he banged my mom?  If it was, then seriously, dude, grow up.  You’re like 85 years old now.  Secondly, what’s this hippie garbage about loving all pokemon?  I’ll be damned if I love a f*cking Pidgey.  I’ll put something hard it its eye alright…

Anyways, I digress.  Back to the story.

Professor Oak was showing me five of his pokemon: an Eevee, a Bulbasaur, a Charmander, a Squirtle, and a Pikachu.  He told me all about their different types and their strengths and weaknesses.  And then he said that, as a new pokemon trainer, I could have whichever one I liked.

I wanted the Pikachu.  Nothing said kicking a Pidgey’s ass like a strong dose of Thunderbolt.  I’d see that rabid flapper fry.

But then Ash and Gary showed up.  They were whining about something stupid that happened when they were playing train and tunnel in the sandbox.  Kids’ problems, not mine.  Instead of telling them to wait like good little boys while I chose my pokemon, Professor Oak let them choose a pokemon first to make them feel better.

This is why I hate nepotism.  Little twerps like Gary and Ash get ahead in life because they’re Professor Oak’s little superstars.  Meanwhile, hardworking people like myself who are trying to contribute to the science of pokemon get overlooked like we’re not even there.  F*ck you, nepotism.  F*ck you, Professor Oak.

Needless to say, Ash chose Pikachu.  Gary, like the moron that he is, chose Eevee.  I’m going to set aside my anger at Ash for a second to say: Eevee?  Seriously?  For your first pokemon you’re going to choose a Normal type?  A good-for nothing, needs a stone to evolve, Normal type?

Well, at least he didn’t take my f*cking Pikachu…  Say what you want about Gary’s stupidity, but he didn’t take my Pikachu.  Ash did.  Now he’s next on my list after Pidgey…

These were my options.

So, after Ash and Gary had a quick battle – which Ash quickly won – Professor Oak finally let me choose a pokemon.  It was down to Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle which really meant that it was down to Venusaur, Charizard, or Blastoise.

It was never going to be Bulbasaur.  It would fall victim to Pidgey’s Peck just as much as I had.  There was no way I was going to choose a pokemon as my starter if it was weak to a Pidgey.  Also, Bulbasaur’s Grass/Poison type combination makes it weak against Fire, Ice, Flying, and Psychic – four of the most common types of pokemon.  It is slow, making it less than ideal for beating up other pokemon.  So, definitely not Bulbasaur.

Squirtle is also slow.  Squirtle also has poor attacking stats.  I don’t want a pokemon who just sits back and takes it.  I want a pokemon who can bend others over and make them their b*tch.  Besides, if I’m going to take down Ash, I’m not going to do it with a pokemon who is weak to Pikachu’s Electric attacks…

That leaves me with Charmander, and while there’s nothing special about Charmander, Charizard kicks ass.  Charizard has an awesome move score and great TM-learning capabilities.  Not to mention that its dual-type actually helps it instead of harms it like Bulbasaur’s.  Charizard’s attacking stats are also through the roof.  You might be wondering why I would bother with Charizard when Pikachu will be able to Thunderbolt its way to victory?  The answer is simple: Charizard gains its Flying type at level 36 and it won’t take me nearly that long to kick Ash’s little boy ass.

Or Gary’s for that matter.  Yeah, he’s on the list too.  Why?  Because he annoys me.

So my first pokemon turned out to be Charmander.

And Ash turned out to be a douche.

Who knew?

In case you didn’t get the cheesy title reference, this is the first post in a series of posts that will document my quest to find the best Pokemon.

This quest started on a boring day in Pallet Town as I meandered past Professor Oak’s laboratory.  I was just kicking around my Celadon City Department Store-brand footbag, when I was attacked by a rabid Pidgey who had somehow gotten into the town from Route 2.

As I was recovering from this vicious, blindside attack in Veridian City, I started to wonder how I could prevent such attacks in the future.  While a Pidgey is a very weak Pokemon (yet its Peck is deadly when applied to one’s eyes…), I could not be sure that Gary wouldn’t ambush me in a back alley with his fleet of high-powered Pokemon.

I needed to find the one Pokemon that could defend me against all others.  I needed to find the best Pokemon.

And so my quest was born.  As soon as I got back to my house in Pallet Town – after taking a vacation in the far-off land of Sinnoh – I began to develop a system for finding the Pokemon who could destroy any rogue Pidgey that stumbles into my path.

Through painstaking hours spent hunched over my Pokedex, searching for stats and other relevant information that I could work into my formula, I crafted a system that – barring a few minor flaws – shall enable me to capture the best Pokemon.

Let me break down my system for you, of which there are three main parts.

The first part deals with the strengths and weaknesses of a given Pokemon’s type combination.  Each Pokemon gets a point given for the effectiveness of its moves against the other types and a point is taken away for every type it is weak against.

Let me give you an example in the Pokemon Metagross.  Metagross is a Steel/Psychic type.  Through its Psychic-type moves, Metagross gets a point for the Fighting and Poison types as Psychic is super-effective against both of these types.  Metagross also gets a point against Ice and Rock, which the Steel type is super-effective against.  This adds up to 4 points in the plus column.  On the other side, Metagross’ type combo only allows it two weaknesses – against Fire and Ground.  This adds up to a +2 score for Metagross for its strengths and weaknesses.

Keep this number aspect in mind as I explain the rest of the system as a Pokemon’s strengths and weaknesses number will come up again further on.  To keep things easy, I’ll keep using Metagross as an example as well.

The second part is the statistics of the given Pokemon.  Each Pokemon has a score for HP, Attack, Defense, Special Attack, Special Defense, and Speed.  These scores are averaged out, with a couple of caveats, to give a score for a Pokemon’s overall stats score.  The caveats are simple.  Speed gets an automatic 1.5x boost due to its importance in battle.  Therefore, a Pokemon with good speed will have an advantage.  The other caveat is that Pokemon get a boost in either Attack or Special Attack based on which stat is used more in their moveset.

Again, let’s look at Metagross for an example.  With caveat #1, Metagross’ Speed score is inflated to 393.  Since Metagross uses more moves that depend on its Attack score, its Attack score is inflated to 607.5 and its Special Attack score is decreased to 158.5.  Including Metagross’ other stats, the average score works out to 370.5.  This is probably the simplest part of the system.

So, on to the third and most complicated section: movesets.  For those out there who don’t know, a Pokemon can learn up to four moves at any one time.  This part of the calculation takes into account the moves that a Pokemon can learn naturally, as well as the potential TMs that they can learn.  As a realization that moves are more effective when matched with a Pokemon of the same type, the requirement has been set that a Pokemon must have two moves in its moveset for each of its types.  If this requirement cannot be met, then a Pokemon’s Egg Moves are considered.  If it is still not met, then the next best move, regardless of type, in the Pokemon’s natural moveset will be used.

This all fits together in the following way.  The four strongest moves of each Pokemon are taken and added up along with the average of all the TMs that can be learned by that Pokemon.  For Metagross (yes, that guy again!!), this breaks down in the following way.  For Metagross’ four moves, it adds up to 287 points (Metagross’ moves are Zen Headbutt, Psychic, Meteor Mash, and Bullet Punch, by the way…).  Metagross also has a TM average of 95.89, which gives Metagross a total move score of 382.89.

You’re probably wondering by now what I meant when I said that a Pokemon’s strength and weakness score would come back into play.  I will now tell you.

A Pokemon’s strengths and weaknesses score acts as a modifier for their moveset.  The logic here is that a Pokemon’s moves will be more effective overall if they are more likely to be used against Pokemon that they are super-effective against.  As such, for each point, either positive or negative, that a Pokemon gets for strengths and weaknesses, they get a 10% modifier to their move score.  Again, this can be either a positive or negative modifier.  In the case of Metagross, there is a 20% boost – due to Metagross having a +2 strengths and weaknesses score.  So Metagross’ move score receives that boost up from 382.89 to 459.47.

And now for the cherry on top.  The overall score is calculated by adding the Pokemon’s stats score to the Pokemon’s move score.  Our test subject, Metagross, therefore has a overall rating of 829.97.

Now that I have a system to find the best Pokemon, my quest has truly begun.  The next step is actually finding Pokemon that are good enough to meet my criteria.  For the next installment of this blog series I plan to investigate the Pokemon around my native home of Pallet Town as well as some of the Pokemon that inhabit other areas of Kanto.

But until then folks, to catch them all is my real quest and to train them is my cause…