Posts Tagged ‘Professor Oak’

Always having your balls in your hands is the first sign of douchebaggery.

So…Ash is a douche.

That was my f*cking Pikachu.

I got there first and that stupid, red-hat wearing twerp took it right out from under my nose.

Here’s what happened:

After my brutal mauling at the hands of a rabid Pidgey, I went to Professor Oak’s lab to see if he could help me on my quest to find the best pokemon.  He said, “There’s no such thing as the best pokemon, my son.  All pokemon have their strengths and their weaknesses and all of them are deserving of our love.”

First off, I’m not Professor Oak’s son.  Was that some kind of subtle hint that he banged my mom?  If it was, then seriously, dude, grow up.  You’re like 85 years old now.  Secondly, what’s this hippie garbage about loving all pokemon?  I’ll be damned if I love a f*cking Pidgey.  I’ll put something hard it its eye alright…

Anyways, I digress.  Back to the story.

Professor Oak was showing me five of his pokemon: an Eevee, a Bulbasaur, a Charmander, a Squirtle, and a Pikachu.  He told me all about their different types and their strengths and weaknesses.  And then he said that, as a new pokemon trainer, I could have whichever one I liked.

I wanted the Pikachu.  Nothing said kicking a Pidgey’s ass like a strong dose of Thunderbolt.  I’d see that rabid flapper fry.

But then Ash and Gary showed up.  They were whining about something stupid that happened when they were playing train and tunnel in the sandbox.  Kids’ problems, not mine.  Instead of telling them to wait like good little boys while I chose my pokemon, Professor Oak let them choose a pokemon first to make them feel better.

This is why I hate nepotism.  Little twerps like Gary and Ash get ahead in life because they’re Professor Oak’s little superstars.  Meanwhile, hardworking people like myself who are trying to contribute to the science of pokemon get overlooked like we’re not even there.  F*ck you, nepotism.  F*ck you, Professor Oak.

Needless to say, Ash chose Pikachu.  Gary, like the moron that he is, chose Eevee.  I’m going to set aside my anger at Ash for a second to say: Eevee?  Seriously?  For your first pokemon you’re going to choose a Normal type?  A good-for nothing, needs a stone to evolve, Normal type?

Well, at least he didn’t take my f*cking Pikachu…  Say what you want about Gary’s stupidity, but he didn’t take my Pikachu.  Ash did.  Now he’s next on my list after Pidgey…

These were my options.

So, after Ash and Gary had a quick battle – which Ash quickly won – Professor Oak finally let me choose a pokemon.  It was down to Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle which really meant that it was down to Venusaur, Charizard, or Blastoise.

It was never going to be Bulbasaur.  It would fall victim to Pidgey’s Peck just as much as I had.  There was no way I was going to choose a pokemon as my starter if it was weak to a Pidgey.  Also, Bulbasaur’s Grass/Poison type combination makes it weak against Fire, Ice, Flying, and Psychic – four of the most common types of pokemon.  It is slow, making it less than ideal for beating up other pokemon.  So, definitely not Bulbasaur.

Squirtle is also slow.  Squirtle also has poor attacking stats.  I don’t want a pokemon who just sits back and takes it.  I want a pokemon who can bend others over and make them their b*tch.  Besides, if I’m going to take down Ash, I’m not going to do it with a pokemon who is weak to Pikachu’s Electric attacks…

That leaves me with Charmander, and while there’s nothing special about Charmander, Charizard kicks ass.  Charizard has an awesome move score and great TM-learning capabilities.  Not to mention that its dual-type actually helps it instead of harms it like Bulbasaur’s.  Charizard’s attacking stats are also through the roof.  You might be wondering why I would bother with Charizard when Pikachu will be able to Thunderbolt its way to victory?  The answer is simple: Charizard gains its Flying type at level 36 and it won’t take me nearly that long to kick Ash’s little boy ass.

Or Gary’s for that matter.  Yeah, he’s on the list too.  Why?  Because he annoys me.

So my first pokemon turned out to be Charmander.

And Ash turned out to be a douche.

Who knew?